A Suitable Hard Drive

"I have learned that people are uploading their lives into cyberspace and am convinced that one day all human knowledge and memory will exist on a suitable hard drive which, for preservation, will be flung out of the solar system to orbit a galaxy far, far away."

Fish-a-tarian

"Then I would have a room-service dinner, and the only thing on the hotel menu that fit my fish-a-tarian diet was breaded fried shrimp with the texture of sandpaper, really just a ketchup delivery system."

A Good Time Tonight

"Well, we've had a good time tonight, considering we're all going to die someday."

Death-Thing

"I'm so depressed today. I just found out this 'death-thing' applies to me."

Consistently Good

"The constant work enhanced my act. I learned a lesson: It was easy to be great. Every entertainer has a night when everything is clicking. These nights are accidental and statistical: Like lucky cards in poker, you can count on them occurring over time. What was hard was to be good, consistently good, night after night, no matter what the abominable circumstances."

They Don't Get It

"In his standard warm-up for the studio audience, when he was asked, 'Do they get this show in Omaha?' Steve [Allen] would answer, "They see it, but they don't get it."

This is Funny

"This is funny, you just haven't gotten it yet."

Charging Up

"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration."

Necessary Naivete

"Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naivete, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do."

Perseverance

"Perseverance is a great substitute for talent."

Part of Life's Routine

"One day I was particularly gloomy, and Jim asked me what the matter was. I told him my high school girlfriend (for all of two weeks) had broken up with me. He said, "Oh, that'll happen a lot." The knowledge that this horrid grief was simply a part of life's routine cheered me up almost instantly."