Friday, March 27, 2009

The Middle-Aged Married Man's Lament

for P.J. O’Rourke

The IRS wants more from me
Back taxes and a penalty.

My kids think I'm an ATM
And my account belongs to them.

They tell me that I’m old and square
They laugh because I’ve lost my hair.

Tuition bills are coming soon
I’ll pay them with a five year balloon.

The van needs oil, brakes and tires
I wonder when that tag expires?

My ex-wife wants a bigger check
My new wife wants a bigger deck.

Sometime this year I’ll cut the grass
And get that woman off my ass.

She tells me I must lose some weight
No booze, no bars, and no debate.

That’s typical of all her sex
What’s good today is bad the next.

Fat cheeks are cute in L&D
A diaper’s great for poop and pee.

A woman just can’t help her heart
She thinks it’s cute when babies fart.

But when you’re old, she’s not so sweet.
She’ll push your wheelchair in the street.

Fart once at dinner with a guest
She'll squash you like a little pest.

Assessing your resolve and mass
She'll sent you to aerobics class.

And she will not appreciate
That pin-up of your first prom date.

She'll hate the smell and steady glow
Of every brand of Maduro.

So if my flight should crash and burn
Don’t waste your tears on me
Just tell my quack I won’t return
For that endoscopy.

I'll check off what I unachieved
And have a jubilee
Smiling like a man reprieved
A prisoner set free.

I’ll laugh throughout that final dive
Relieved of all my fear
And if you should find me alive
Don’t tell them I’m still here.

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